Last week’s post comment, via ByeByeBeer, spurred this post on the Pendulum. The Pendulum is a staple in my toolbox. When I first got sober I was under the illusion that I was going to actually rid myself of my yuckier side. I did rid myself of yucky drinking me. But I was left with yucky un-drinking me.
I truly believed I had to remove the yucky parts of me if I was to be successful in sobriety. Every failed attempt at not correcting the behavior meant I was “closer to a drink.”
I have since ditched this idea. In life (sobriety) I simply do my best to manage unwanted thoughts, feelings, and responses as they arrive. With this mindset, I will inevitably, reprogram an improved auto-response.
Why the pendulum?
It allows me to stay attached to the feelings so I can experience it, while moving me in the new direction so I can heal it. (i.e. I cannot know freedom until I have experienced lack-of-freedom.) The idea that I can just eliminate a feeling, at will, is not a place to which I have evolved. Insta-elimination is what I did with wine. This is healing, not escape.
Enough chit chat, here’s an example of how I use it.
|
Yucky Side |
Somewhere in the Middle |
Yucky’s Opposite |
|
I am [exhausted] |
I am [rested] |
I am [rejuvenated] |
|
I am [alone] |
I am [capable of reaching out] |
I am [connected] |
|
I am [such a loser] |
I am [human] |
I am [amazing] |
|
I am [overbearing] |
I am [spirited] |
I am [humble] |
The first goal is to get to the middle of the pendulum, not 180° away, just the middle. The relief I seek is in the middle. If I swing past it, great—bonus!
The cure for my exhaustion is to alter my schedule—today. Once I am rested I can move toward being rejuvenated. The cure for my isolation is to move to a space where I feel safe and loved. From there I move toward being love. The cure for my harsh judgment of self is to see that I am human and forgive my error. Once I have forgiven the error I am free to move toward amazement. The cure for my bossiness is to remember my opinion is not everyone’s, despite my zeal for life, I can remain humble.
The pendulum always passes through the middle before it gets to the other side. I can’t skip the middle any more than Earth can skip winter. Universal laws don’t allow it.
Now, like any good addict I want the result fast, faster, fastest. It’s not going to happen that way, but what can happen is that I can feel a little better today. I don’t have to wait for some future date. I can find me now—today—in all these emotions.
They are the way through to the other side.
My job is to set the pendulum in motion. Am I willing?
It’s not about reaching perfection.
It’s about movement.
Can I trust the process and experience the movement?
After all, I am [ ].
