Image courtesy of Tina Phillips at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Early in my recovery the very mention of Christmas was a trigger. I got sober in March. How in the heck was I going to make until Christmas without a drink? Even if I made it to Christmas surely I would not survive the holidays without a libation secured to my hand. After all, everyone drank at Christmastime, even the non-drinkers. This, for me, meant my drinking would not be under anyone’s radar. Holiday gatherings took pressure off my daily drinking. Seems I had a legitimate excuse—the problem arose after the holidays when I couldn’t stop drinking like it was the holidays.
My first sober Christmas is a blur. I’m sure pictures would revive the memory. What isn’t a blur is my wish: To remain sober through Christmas day. For me, that year, the best gift I received was waking up sober on the 26th of December. I will never forget the pure elation in knowing, truly knowing, that sobriety was possible—a moment of accomplishment.
If you had asked me in March what I would be feeling on December 26th of that year I could never have described, with accuracy, the freedom I felt upon waking that morning. It was a tough season, too! There were many temptations and many memories of “funnier” times. Everything sober for the first time and me without a glass in my hand to keep me “together and functioning.” Truly a holiday miracle.
What was so special about that holiday season? For me, Christmas has spiritual meaning. In spite of all the Santa hoopla, I had a clear and unwavering understanding of the birth of Christ. This was the day Christians chose to celebrate his birth. For me it felt like my birth too. I had been vigilant with my sober program. I can say truly that in my whole life I had never worked so hard to get to know anything or anyone as I pursued getting to know me. And when I found me I found that God was in me. Not only was he in me, but he had always been there and had always loved me.
As Christmas drew closer, I drew closer to God. After all, I had a Christmas wish I wanted to come true. He had helped me so far. I saw no reason he wouldn’t stay with me now. Then I had an epiphany: If he is never not with me then the reason for my discomfort must be of my own making. If I leave the certainty of Love I experience pain and fear. If I do not leave—I do not experience the separation. I have freewill. I have a choice.
I have a choice what voice I will listen to. I do not have to let my thinking take me down. I do not have to take a drink. Can I? Yes. But do I choose to? No.
Not out of obligation, but out of love. I love myself because it feels good to love myself. It feels good to pray. It feels good to be silent. It feels good to be caring. It feels good to be giving. It feels good to awaken to a world where I make a difference. I make a difference in the quality of someone else’s life. I do, you do, we ALL do.
We can all birth a new love for who we are. We can all welcome a renewed love for humanity. We can all embrace the spirit of Christmas whether or not Christian because we are choosing to awaken the love that lies within all of us—the birth of the Christ within.
The question becomes: Will I? It’s a choice.
This Christmas season, I chose to experience a Christmas frame of mind long before the 25th arrives. For me being giving one day in December won’t cut it if I am to remain sober.
My life is built around choosing Love.
